My Crappy Valentine

Feb 14, 2011

Valentine's Day is an extreme; you either love it or hate it. I hate it. I seemed to always be freshly single when it came 'round or the thought of a romantic prospect was the furthest thing from my current situation - although like New Years Eve and other annoyingly inclusive events, I always had a inkling that I wanted to belong or be a part of something on that day. It's stupid but I know a lot of people feel this way, whether we want to or not.

I finally had the best Valentine's Day in 2003. I had met my would-be husband 2 weeks before and our melodious 3rd date was on Valentine's Day. Bow-chicka-wow-wow! Yes! I can finally not loathe this stupid commercialized soul-sucking day and actually enjoy that vomitously cute teddy bear that holds an embroidered heart saying "I love you." ...or so I thought.

Then on February 12, 2004 my grandfather had been admitted to the hospital with acute phenomena and he was going into heart failure. My grandfather was everything to me. Just as I had lost my father, he had lost his son and so he and I met in the middle to share the ache of that void together... for my entire life. I never felt that with my grandmother, but she's not exactly sentimental, to put it politely.

I had often thought of my grandfather when I heard this particular song from The Murmurs album, since I had been watching him slowly deteriorate since this album came out in '94. Whether it was to torture myself or just to help me expel the grief I was feeling, I dug out my Murmurs CD and played this song on repeat the entire way to the hospital on the morning of February 14th, 2004. When I got there I told him I was going to be OK and that I thought that my boyfriend was "the one" and that he was going to be there for me. He squeezed my hand and then we took him off life support and said goodbye.

Basically thinking of 
basically wondering why.

Your watch is ticking fast, 
your mind is running slow.
The rain is trickling down.

It's a meantime 
madness today
And life's just passin you by.

'Cause you're basically thinkin of 
basically wondering why.
Basically never like to know
'Cause you're basically out of luck 
you're basically growing old
Life has basically been told.

Let me be your strength 
let me hold your body's weight
I wanna walk for you.

In your heart you feel your walking memory
But to me you're so alive.
How do you hold inside 
the rage that you must feel
Watching your body give up on you.

Since I was a child 
the thing that'll pick me up.
I'll do the same for you

Let me be your strength let me hold your body's weight
I wanna walk for you
I wanna walk for you

13 comments:

  1. Jill said...:

    you made me tear up...

  1. KD said...:

    Me, too...should have had a kleenex warning for that one. But in all honesty, sharing a meaningful moment with someone so special (even if it was an impossibly painful moment) is a pretty damned good way to spend a valentine's day. Beautiful post.

  1. SherilinR said...:

    isn't it nice when you finally find that one who's going to be the good valentine? even if you don't like v-day, at least you don't have to be mad at it when it rolls around anymore.

  1. BlackLOG said...:

    I’m in the hate camp, pure commercial rip off….If however I start selling rubbish cards at exorbitant prices or open up a restaurant I reserve the right to change my mind….

  1. Sofia's Ideas said...:

    I'm so sorry for your loss...

    Thank you for sharing this incredibly meaningful post...

    I miss you over at Sofia's Ideas, btw! Where ya been?

  1. Boobies said...:

    You just ruined my makeup!!!! (I know, you forewarned me!)

    I'm so sorry for your loss. Off to listen to your music now. (And reapply my makeup.)

    Big hugs sweetie!! XOXO

  1. mom-mom-mom said...:

    Big ugly cry over here. Thanks for sharing this beautiful tribute~

  1. Misty said...:

    Thanks for sharing your personal story. So sorry for your loss. It's very hard to lose someone so special. I feel for you.

    I'd like to brighten up your day hopefully with this ;)
    Because your blog is so awesome, I've chosen you for The Stylish Blogger Award! I hope you accept :) Check it out - The Stylish Blogger Award Just for You! I'd love to see your award post when you complete it, so drop by and let me know!

    Congrats! Misty :-)
    Misty's Thoughts Too
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  1. SAHMlovingit said...:

    I read this on my mobile this morning but couldn't comment - it made me blub (story of my life at the moment too).

    At least your Grandfather knew you were going to be in good hands with your new man.

    A lovely post honey - big kisses right at ya :-)

  1. Ashley said...:

    Damn you.

    All of these sweet lovey posts that make me smile. And I come here, thinking it'll be the same thing. And I cry instead. Those were not warm fuzzies.

    Thanks for that anyway. ;] I'm glad your Grandfather got to at least see that part of you.

  1. crazedmama said...:

    I had my best vday in 2003, too.. I found out I was prego with my oldest son!.... Such a sad day though for you to remember your grandfather's death. My grandmother died 5 months ago and I was very close with her, she was like my second mother. ... On a lighter note: for vday this year, my hubby and I got matching tattoos!

  1. Ro said...:

    WOW... Im lumpy throat-ed over here.

    Thanks for sharing...

  1. Lost.in.Idaho said...:

    Valentine's is bittersweet in this household as well. My gf suffered her first miscarriage on a Valentine's Day, and it took her years to recover. This is the first VD where she hasn't woken up crying. It's looking promising for me, but we will still 'pay tribute' sometime today...

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