Aug 3, 2011

My Rock with a Cock

I am taking this opportunity to discuss my latest health crisis as well as pay homage to one of my oldest friends.
It was his birthday a few days ago, so the timing is almost perfect.

This guy is special because, surprisingly, we've never had sex. I think the main reasons for this was because:
A) I could snap him like a twig; it would not be pleasant, and
B) I kind of helped raise him, even though he's actually a year older than me.

I think I may have had a shortly lived case of misplaced affections towards him when I was 12, but then he went and got a perm and that pretty much helped me move on from there.

Yes. A perm.
(Sorry, but he's never going to fucking live that one down. Not ever. If he dies before me, I'll make a point of mentioning it at his funeral, because that's what true friendship really means. If I die before him, I'll still figure something out.)

And no, he's not gay.

And yes, he's a boy... or since he has a hot wife and two cool kids, rather, a man. Kinda. 

He's like my son, or perhaps my man-sister from another mister...

Or my bestie with a flat chestie...

My rock with a cock.

See where I'm going with this? OK. Hold that thought.

In other news, I recently almost died from Toxic Shock. It wasn't pretty. In fact, it was slightly terrifying with a dash of mortification. The doctor laughed at my horror, telling me it happens all the time. Not to fucking me, it doesn't! I've watched all the doctor shows, thank you. I do not shove strange foreign objects up my cootch such as light bulbs, hot dogs, carrots or baseball bats.

Wait. What?

OK. I'll re-phrase. In the last two decades, anyway, it's just been the usual boxed set: Dildos, fingers, penises and tampons... ugh... tampons. Umm, yeah.

Why are these two trains of thought related, you ask?

Well, I was speaking to him on the phone the other day, revealing these latest embarrassing details.

His immediate response: "How does that happen to you? Shouldn't it have just fallen out? I thought you had a giant vagina!"

Awesome.

Apparently, it's giant enough that I had no idea it was up there, but not giant enough that it could fall out on its own. All I knew was that I was dying from the inside. Actually, not dying. Dead. And rotting.

So, thank you, my darling, for the vote of confidence for my huge vagina. Unfortunately, she, too, has now proven to be fallible.
It was truly a sad day, indeed.

Also? Happy fucking birthday to one of only two men* that openly converse on the size and state of my vagina.

A drawing by him. Not sure what's going on there.
His creative mind is disturbing, even at the best of times.
I love him.


(*PS. For the record, the other man is not my husband. He does not discuss such things. :-)

28 comments:

  1. You had me at the title.

    Rock with a cock. Bwahahahaha!!

    Giant vagina - again, hahahahaha!!

    Sorry about the toxic shock, glad you lived to tell the tale.

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  2. Screw that last comment. The one time your mobile sote decides to work for me.

    I was cackling in bed reading this. Giant vagina! And then Alison's comment: "Sorry about the toxic shock!" Hilarious. That's like "sorry you stubbed your toe!" Or "sorry your mom blew up!"

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  3. I was right! Today is a great day! the best, in fact. Thanks to your vagina.

    I thought I had toxic shock once. I had been dating my husband for six months and was visiting his family. I had terrible cramps, like the worst of my life and I started puking and diarrheaing at the same. It was exactly as sexy as it sounds. The husband's parents, who was the boyfriend at the time, had these environmentally-like-to-save-water toilets that would get clogged if you tried to flush anything larger than a rabbit pellet. So in addition to having it coming out both ends, I had to jump up every five seconds to flush and hurry and sit back down before my ass exploded again.

    Something told me, like a seventh sense or something, that this is a story you would like to know.

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  4. Thanks for not dying on us or we'd have missed out on hearing about your giant vag and that would suck balls. Giant hairy balls.

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  5. @SarcasmGoddess
    Thank you for revealing that awesomely unfortunate event. You know I'm always up for a great over-share. LMAO

    @Alison
    Thank you for your sympathies. I think I'm going to live. Yay!

    @Leigh Ann
    I'm so glad we could both make you cackle.

    @Jessica
    Yes. Thank you for letting me know that someone would have missed me... and sucked hairy balls in my honor. That would have been nice.

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  6. Um, in the interest of being totally honest, not only have I lost ONE tampon in my vagina, but I've lost TWO at the same time (obviously not realizing I never discarded the first one) AND I've had sex with them in place (although not all of these things happened on the same day) Apparently, not everything about me is little. Also, my husband sometimes pretends to hear an echo in there. Fucker.

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  7. @Lola
    He pretends to hear an echo? HAHA
    That just made my morning. Thanks ;)

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  8. Holy crap, Batman! I once had a stuck birth control sponge. Took an ER visit to extract the damn thing.

    Mortifying. Especially since the ER nurse who extracted it was a hot male nurse. And I was 23.

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  9. Drunk sex at the end of your 'time', I'm going to assume. That has *never* happened to me. Ever!

    I used to have a rock with a cock, but he moved. Last thing I heard is that he was with the circus.....

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  10. I'm so glad you're ok! Toxic shock is nothing to sneeze at dude!!!

    In other news....Bestie with a flat chestie....HA!!! Love that one!

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  11. I am glad that you and your apparently gigantic vagina did not die . . . life would be so much less interesting without the two of you around! ;)
    Jenn

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  12. have you ever heard of a diva cup? it's a thing i just discovered & i'm gonna be honest - it's fabulous & also won't give you tss. google it.
    and lol about a male friend who will discuss your vaginal size! and maybe also ew!

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  13. @Sherilin
    Hahaha yes. I've been told about it by a couple people. I'll check it out.

    I have been using tampons since I was 15 - I have no damn clue how this JUST happened to me now, after all these years.
    So dumb.

    Also? No eww, just love. LOL

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  14. If I could ship you a box of wine for your sad vagina ... I would.

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  15. The Rock with a CockWednesday, 03 August, 2011

    lol. I love it and am very honoured.

    The perm shall not be mentioned ever again!

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  16. That picture is gross.

    Who ever this friend is...

    I want to be friends with.

    p.s.
    your vaj is massive.

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  17. @Leighannn

    It is disturbing. He's obsessed with genitals though. It's amazing there is not a penis in this drawing.
    Absolutely amazing.

    No surprise that he's my friend, right?

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  18. I have heard of toxic tampons before, not nice...

    You just have to avoid the venomous condoms and the deadly rampant rabbit to complete the avoiding death through your Vagina level and go onto the how "avoiding death through your rear end level"

    …good luck...

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  19. I'm glad you managed to fish that thing out and not die. Who would be writing about giant vaginas and besties with flat chesties? Nobody, that's who, and the world is incomplete without giant vagina stories.

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  20. Your doctor sounds pretty mean, first with the laughing at your horror and then making fun of your giant vagina. So, Ive heard the longer you leave a tampon in past 8 hours, the higher your risk of TSS. You sound like you got yours stuck up there and forgot about it but I'm not really sure. How long was it in there exactly, and how did that happen? Share whatever you feel comfortable with, but my mind is just boggled.

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  21. Also, that drawing is really amazing. How old is your son? I feel like you could get that into a gallery show and critics would be all over it like leaves on lettuce.

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  22. Jeez, sorry to hear about the toxic shock - that's no fun.

    But what is fun is your giant vagina ;)

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  23. Did he get one of those "Mike Brady Curly Perms"?
    Since Mike Brady is dead now (can't for the life of me remember the actor's real name), I hope not.
    You know you're lazy when you don't even feel like Googling "Who played Mike Brady?"
    Think I'll go eat now.
    And then take a nap.

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  24. OMG that is hilarious. I loved his Joey MacIntyre inspired coiff. hahahaha.
    Thanks for a good laugh.

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  25. wow, I love your blog, it's like you're saying all the things I want to say and can't because, it's me. ;)

    toxic shock is OMG, so glad you're ok girl.

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  26. Your comments are always the icing on the posty cake. I didn't think anyone actually got TSS - I'd better start paying more attention to how long that baby's been up there.

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  27. Excellent, laugh-inducing post.

    And this is where I go "awwwww, poor vagina... want me to kiss it and make it better??"

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  28. oh jesus girl, glad you're ok.
    On another note, that's best list of titles for guy friends I've ever seen.
    I know what you mean about having a male friend that you haven't slept with is a rarity.
    My general mantra in college was, "If you can't hook up with your friends, then who can you hook up with?"

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