Picture this... baby!

Sep 19, 2013

I wouldn't consider myself a "professional photographer" by any stretch, but I have dabbled and I taught both digital and traditional darkroom photography when I was a high school teacher. *shudders* So, I guess it's why some forms of photography get my titties in a twist slightly more than the average person... perhaps. I wrote a while back about my angry thoughts on "Trash the Dress" bridal photography. Ugh. Even finding that post in order to link to it got me angry all over again.

I'll blame the hormones this time.

Recently, I discovered some hilarious pregnancy photos that I just had to share. It was actually my husband that had mentioned that we should probably have at least a couple shots of me "with child" this time around, since we had quite a few of me with the twins. I think I took those photos more because I felt like a freak show, if for no other reason. I was H-U-G-E.

I realize that some of it stems from not liking myself in photos, but also maybe I'm just not that sentimental. The thought of paying for studio shots of my pregnancy actually makes me giggle and slightly sprain my retinas from too much eye rolling -- as did the idea of "engagement photos". I mean, really? No thanks.

Here is the one that initially sparked my utter dismay as far as pregnancy photos go. Could you see this hanging over that family's couch? In their dining room? BEDROOM?

"I'm still not 100% convinced that this isn't actually Sacha Baron Cohen."

This one took me to a really dark place, because... how DOES a mermaid get pregnant?
And why isn't she the one that's swimming? 
Plus, the fake water line should be up around her shoulders.
It confuses me.
"Let's just assume this one's gonna be a C-section, mmm-k?"

And this... can someone explain? Gross.
"I want to expose my baby to Salmonella and Psittacosis as early as possible!
Please shit on me while I meditate."

And, oh my gawd. If you're going to commit to body painting, take off your fucking bra, seriously.
"Because Mother Earth needs under-wire support too..."

This woman is illustrating A) She's having twin boys. B) She's kinda slutty & proud of it. C) She just really likes beach balls.
"I love the feeling of all these balls around me!"

I think this one is just a subtle way to tell the baby that mommy killed daddy during conception. 
Sorry, kiddo!
"Your daddy had a good head on his shoulders UNTIL I RIPPED IT OFF."

This photo is about as close as I would consider getting a photo done of my belly, 
but even still, I feel for that dog.
"Whatever's inside there is about to ruin everything for me, isn't it?"
Yes. Yes it is.

And lastly, I'm not sure what's happening here, but it gave me a bad flash back of being taken to see 
The Famous People's Players as a child. If you don't know what that is, consider yourself lucky.
"You have your mother's hands. No really, that's all you got.
They're floating around you in nothingness."

Here are 2 honorable mentions from stock photography that I feel would be a much more accurate
 photographic representation of my personality and present mental state.

"I'm gonna sit here and eat all the food. I don't give a fuck."

And literally, this just happened...
"LICK IT UP, BABY. LICK. IT. UP."

DAMN RIGHT, VERONICA.

Mmmmm, BBQ sauce.


12 comments:

  1. Yes! Go for the hamburger one!

    I just took selfies. About 20 maybe throughout preggers. Then I plunked them into a colage app. Done and done.

  1. Rebecca said...:

    Why do people do such weird shit when they get photos done?

    I had 'professional' shots with my first and I hate them. Could almost qualify for Awkward Family Photos. Except there are no guns, tires or beach balls.

    Second time around I did selfies or had the husband take pictures. I like them so much better. Nothing fancy but at least we don't look like a knocked up American Gothic.

  1. You have a baby belly as an excuse for the BBQ sauce - I manage to do that on a weekly basis at least and I have no excuse.

    Congrats - hope it all goes swimmingly.

    x

  1. Kellie said...:

    Oh god. I love all of these. My pregnancy pics of me looking thoughtful and maternal are so boring after seeing these. I will do better second time around. Although I will make sure I don't wear a bra.

  1. Karen said...:

    They are all hilarious! If I am ever fortunate enough to get preggy, I am not doing any of these....although I'll do something at home maybe that's cute and get papa bear to shoot it.

  1. Angelwithatwist said...:

    Yeah I do not get the belly shots. I have seen some beautiful and wonderful photography for moms to be.. and then there are these lol..

  1. Munchkin1000 said...:

    People take the most rediculous pictures sometimes. Thanks for highlighting some of them.

  1. MomChalant said...:

    The woman meditating with a bird butt in her face is just beyond strange. I can't even begin to understand her train of thought "oh this will look great with bird ass in my face." WHAT

  1. Jen said...:

    I am now gonna expect one of these pics of you to be sent to me.

  1. SAHMlovingit said...:

    Ha! Not only do I feel like I feature with the Heather's reference but you've also mentioned salmonella. How apt (see blog). Stupid fucking birds.

  1. Leighannn said...:

    these are hilarious. I think you should do the beach ball one.

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